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Aug. 10th, 2011

yay

(no subject)

Top 10 Most Brutal Anime Characters


I like how the #1 most brutal anime character is a woman :D

Top 10 Most Brutal Ways to Die


And I like how the top #1 in this one is a girl and a child. But, hey, it`s classic in my books since it`s from one of my favourite animes of all time :D

I`m so excited for camping! Kara and I went twice last year, which I`m not sure I even posted about here. Man, it`s been awhile. Anyway, I had a blast. The other two camping trips I had in the past few years were bunk. Sorry, Sofia, but the time we went camping kind of sucked. It could have been so much better, especially if Johnny didn`t book us to camp at someone`s yard. At Four All there`s bingo, a sandstone beach with sea critters, a saltwater pool, a Saturday night dance, hot showers, drinking and merry fun! This year Gabe`s coming too, which I`m also excited about. What I`m really happy about is that I get to look forward to a fun summer activity. Because the weather`s been awful here and because I`ve been so busy, I haven`t enjoyed my summer so much.

My interview this morning went well, I think. They said they would like to have me, which is great because this place offers the hours I`d need. I have mornings covered at Over the Rainbow and I get a lot of students at Tutor Doctor, but I would need more hours. Having an afternoon shift at another out of school care would work, and it works here! I`d get paid a dollar less than what I`m making now, but after three months I`d get a benefits package. Of course, if things work out with this international student university prep school tutoring job, I would take that instead. It would be better for my teaching practice in terms of curriculum familiarity. I really hope that this is the beginning of something new. I could finally move out. I`ve lived away from home with Jason for eight months, but this is different. I traded one family household to another. This one would me and Gabe :)

Aug. 9th, 2011

dig

now with ponies

Today I successfully completed what I wanted to do. I take satisfaction in accomplishing my daily goals. It`s not that I have problems accomplishing them myself - I`m very organized and I create daily to-do lists - but not everything goes right on the other end. If I need to contact someone before I do something or plan for something, and they don`t get back to me in time, it often it puts me back. With other things to do on a daily basis, it becomes quite frustrating. I like being able to predict things and be in control of what`s going on my life. I dislike being forced to go with the flow and deal with things as they come; I prefer to prepare.

This feeling spills over into my social life. This is why I hate flakes. I hate how their uncommunicative ways affects my plans and what I plan to do. This combined with my impatient personality makes a deadly combo. I get aggravated when people can`t back to me in time. I`m finding this to be the one thing that drives me nuts when it comes to Gabe. At times his inability to get back to me can be irksome, but otherwise insignificant; however, other times it can be downright frustrating. Last week I made it known to him on Saturday morning that I was concerned that he would sleep in when he was supposed to wake up and meet me at Nanaimo station for 5 pm. He moved close to Nanaimo station and at that time I did not know where he lived. He assured me that he would meet me, but he ended up sleeping in and I pretty much wasted three and a half hours of my time, if you count the travel time from Coquitlam to me waiting. It wasn`t till an hour and a half after 5 pm did he get in contact with me. Things are fine now, but I made it known how far this behaviour can go and how it is unfair to me.

Currently I`m waiting to hear back from him. I sent him a text last night asking him to give me a call. I got no call, so I assumed that he might have left his phone at home. I figured I`d hear back from him this morning, and I did, but it wasn`t by phone. I wanted him to call because I left my contact solution at his place and I wanted to get it back. My contacts needs to be cleaned and I would rather not have to wear my glasses until I get it back. This morning he sends me a Facebook message with a cute message about wanting to hug me and to tell me how much he loves me. That was the last I heard from him. So either he hasn`t checked his phone in 20 hours, or he has misplaced or lost it, but just failed to tell me in his Facebook message for some reason. Or he`s just busy, but I made it known to him awhile ago that if I`m talking to him and he`s busy that I would like to know. I know he sleeps during the day because he works graveyard shifts now, but I have no idea when he`s asleep because he doesn`t stick to a constant sleep pattern. This situation is by no means important or significant, really, and I shouldn`t be so worked up on this, but it`s hard not to because this sort of behaviour is a pet peeve of mine in general.

I`m not going to make a big deal about what`s going on with him. I`m just going to ask him if he could check his phone once every hour while he`s awake and not working. I may need to contact him for potential plans, needed things, news, or just sweet talk, and it`s frustrating me for me to wait nearly a whole day to hear back from him.

Today I successfully revamped some of my resumés and applied to a bunch of jobs. My mom found an on-site English tutor position at a university prep school for international students, so I applied to that with a new resumé and a covering letter. I also applied to some out of school care positions I found on Craigslist. I also got the phone numbers of some out of school care daycares in Coquitlam and began to call about September positions. I already have one interview tomorrow :)

My plan is to find full-time work as soon as possible and to move out of here. I`m applying to any sort of well-paying, full-time teaching or tutoring position; out of school cares because Over the Rainbow can only give me morning shifts in September; and school districts. I never got that TOC position in Coquitlam, which is crushing, but I need income in the meantime to support myself before I get a job in a school district. Either I can support myself with as much work as I can get at an out of school care and at least ten hours a week tutoring, or I can support myself by working at an international or private school. While working these jobs I would apply to school districts. Where I would move to would depend on what job I got. I also plan on going back to SFU in the spring and start working towards a minor in learning disabilities.

I just hope this works. When you were going to school it seemed so easy because you could estimate when you would be done and find out what to do in order to finish. Now that I`m out and trying to find work in my field, it`s become much more difficult. It`s also become depressing. I find myself worried that my dreams won`t come true because of these obstacles. I`ll never get to become a school counsellor because I`ll never get a teaching job. It`s difficult to find full-time work in the education field and I`m beginning to regret going into this field because of these difficulties. But what else am I good at? What could be a long-term plan B? At times I feel like a failure because of these difficulties. Why is it difficult? Is there something wrong with me? Is it just by chance that others more qualified than me got the job simply because of that fact? Or does it mean nothing at all?

I`m just trying to get by with the things I need to do presently. All I can do is apply, go to interviews, try my best, and see what happens. I can`t really do anything else.

Aug. 8th, 2011

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

bright end of nowhere

Today I realized that I prefer writing in an online journal than a pen and paper journal. I can express myself more thoroughly this way. I can post pictures, I can create pictures, I can writing in different font, I can reference things more easily, etc. Plus people can read it, or at least have it posted where they can easily read it. It`s kind of a social no-no to have people read someone`s paper journal, although I never would have cared.

I actually forgot what my username was. I couldn`t even remember what my last post was on.

I`ll try to upkeep this. I`m not making any promises. I`d like to post here more frequently, but often I get lazy. I get so wrapped up with working and enjoying my social life that I ignore this. And of course lots of things end up passing by and you feel less of a need to report it all... as if your life is that important.

Gabe and I are doing very well. It`s interesting to be in a point in your life where any sort of issues don`t come from your love life. They always have previously for me. And if things were going well, I`d wonder when things would go sour again, as if you can predict it will happen because of an awareness of some underlying issues with your significant other that just can`t be overlooked, even if you try. I really like this relationship. And, of course, I really like him. I miss him right now.

Gabe will live at my place temporarily for the last two weeks of August while I house sit for my parents when they`re in Germany. It`s like a prequel to what our life would be like together if we move in together, which might be a possibility later in the year. That would all depend if I could actually find some sort of full-time work in the education field. Teaching or TOCing would be the obvious option, but that`s proving to be a hurdle in itself. If there`s a part of my life that sucks, it`s in the work part of my life. Right now I work Friday mornings at the daycare and I tutor part time. I figure if I work morning and afternoon shifts at an out of school care that can match my wage at Over the Rainbow, and have at least ten hours of tutoring a week, I can make enough to room with someone. So I have decided that on Tuesdays and Thursdays will be my job hunting days, as I really want to get out of here. Scheduling it into my life as a priority is such a Natalie way to approach a problem, lol. Too bad I can`t seem to commit to any sort of scheduled exercise time.

And I guess that`s my life in a nutshell. Why not spend time elaborating on the shit and post on LJ? You know, if anyone cares to hear me talk. I go on and on in person :p

On Saturday Gabe and I found weed on the skytrain. There was a lot of it in a baggy with a pipe. The stuff is really good too. Whoever left it there much be shitting themselves.

Mar. 29th, 2011

okay

tales from the paper bound journal.

I HAD an epiphany!

…and I lost it, because I was outside. Let`s think.

It was about self. It was about me. And I still remember the quote I was going to reference.

“I still don`t know where my happiness lies.

I`ll still think about why I`m here and whether or not it was good to come back. But that`s just stating the obvious, over and over.

I am myself.”

I am myself.

And even now I understand it [the context] even more. But that`s a separate note.

I think it means – I think my perception of self by others matters so much. Their perception adds to my sense of self, but I find I need to know it at a depth that is equal to my own. And my own has developed, since, well, whenever I began to form my sense of self. It is still more engrained. This is why I am so preoccupied with it.

I think I remember. I thought about what I write in my paper bound journals and my melo journal. I write about myself, relationships, and how relationships influence and shape my own perception of self. I am preoccupied with how the relationship, or social interaction in general as they are not all about intimate relationships, affects me. Does my value on self act as a defence mechanism? To ensure survival in the psychological sense? Or to destroy it…? And then that led me to the quote.

And then I thought about how the phrase “I am myself” makes sense, because I pictured someone criticizing me about that line, saying that it doesn`t make sense [Johnny]. It does make sense. To the speaker, I, the term ‘myself’ has a meaning as if it`s an object itself. A recognized, specific thought that describes something – it is not a general term. In this case, it is the individual`s sense of self. They are telling themselves that they are what they see themselves to be – ‘myself’.

And then I proceeded to get excited at the concept of self – that it really is one of man`s biggest accomplishments. I am myself.

Do others feel this deeply about themselves? Or am I just egotistical and self-centered, to think a lot about how social interactions affect me? Am I just weird for thinking this?

Oh, and keep in mind I was stoned while I thought about that, and that I`m stoned while writing this.

Mar. 8th, 2011

okay

Quickening

I do not like all of these ads on LiveJournal.

I should be doing other stuff, but my readers get out of the loop when I put off writing in here. And since there is news, I really ought to post about it.

I am not single anymore. I really, really, really, etc. like Gabe. A lot. He`s incredibly sweet and caring, he`s thoughtful, he`s fun, he`s so interesting, he has ambition, he`s sexy, he`s a fantastic cook, he enjoys going out, and he`s stated on multiple occasions that he loves me the way I am. This time I will actively try to not let my insecurities get the best of me. This time I will actually believe that he loves me. He says he does, and his actions illustrate this. I don`t see any reason why he`d put up a front. He`s just so sincere in everything he does. How could I ever potentially let this guy go? So far my friends like him too.

So right now I`m overjoyed by this new relationship. I`m finding it hard not to see him every chance I get. I love this guy so much.

In terms of bad news, I will not be going back to school this summer. Because I had fully graduated from SFU I would have to re-register with the university if I wanted to take more classes. I never did this, and since yesterday was the first day to sign up for summer classes, I`ll have to wait till the fall before I can take any classes. Prior to that I will register.

I am applying for more jobs.

I have thrown away old clothes in my closet only to still find it`s still crammed with clothes.

I love Gabe.

Feb. 24th, 2011

okay

(no subject)

Last night I was hoping to have a relaxing evening, especially since I had to go to Sam`s after work to pick up my shoes. I left them at his place on Saturday, and they`re great running shoes, so I wanted them back. It was also incredibly cold so I was anxious to get home, make some tea, get something to eat, and watch some anime.

I was also trying to rendezvous with Gabe, but I was concerned that he would get here late since he was coming from downtown. I wasn`t in the mood to deal with anything that could be complicated.

When I got home I also checked my mail and I noticed he had requested to be 'in a relationship' with me on Facebook. I figured it was time for a talk when he got here. I just explained to him that I don`t want to be in a relationship at the moment because I didn`t want to deal with the expectations that come with a relationship. Right now I`m happy just casually dating him, even exclusively. I just won`t want to jump into anything, even if it would be a 'casual' relationship. I also don`t want that status because people will ask all sorts of questions. People who know me well will know the situation. He seemed okay with it. I wasn`t rejecting him or saying no to his offer - I`m just saying not yet. I`m enjoying being single. In a few months I will be single for a whole year, and since I`ve been in relationships one after the other since I was 17, I`m content with this break and I don`t want it to end quite yet.

I was also pleasantly surprised that he was talkative this time, and he seemed to speak with more confidence. We talked for a very long time and I got to know him more. I love it when I can talk for hours with someone. I got to hear crazy stories he did, what he was like in high school, and more personal stuff as well. I revealed some personal stuff too. In short, I think we have become more comfortable with each other. He also asked some thought provoking questions.For example, he asked, "what do you like about psychology?". This was a very good question! It made me reflect on why I like psychology, which showed him a deeper aspect of me and what I`m interested in.

So in the end the night turned out to be a good one. I ended up relaxing, talking, and having a good time. I also got a massage before bed, which was very nice of him.

I should do something nice for him :3 But what?

Feb. 22nd, 2011

okay

show me your teeth

I got quite high last night. Gabe brought over a joint and we smoked up. He got to see me when I`m high. I asked him what does he think about when he`s in that state and how he behaves when he`s high. He says he gets quiet (which may explain the party?). He didn`t have much to say, and it seems like it differs from me. When I`m high I`m fascinated by everything, more so than when I`m not stoned. I told him I think about philosophy and other deep things. I have a bigger appreciation for things, and I find I become more creative (cliché, I know). I also point out obvious things, which is what he said he thinks about. I think. We`re even different stoned.

I tried to explain linear thinking to him and he didn`t understand it.

It was also confirmed that when I ramble on about things I often give off the impression that I`m talking to myself, as if I`m speaking out loud to myself to understand the situation better. This is not a bad thing. In fact, it is the closest you will ever get to reading my mind while I am actively thinking.

I am trying to organize myself so I get some important things done, like organize all the papers in room, make my portfolio, and apply to more places.

Feb. 20th, 2011

okay

Advice welcome

So I had my birthday party last night. I was fucked up. We made special cookies and brownies, but for them to work or really kick in I supposed it needed to be mixed with booze. I didn`t even drink that much - I had three glasses of rum and coke. I was really, really drunk, but I was also really, really high. It was like a different drug experience, but I know it wasn`t. I guess that`s what the brownies did. Sweet.

My friends also got to meet Gabe. He was extraordinary quiet. During the night he mostly sat around being quiet, either watching me do stuff and talk to people, or he followed me when I went outside to have a smoke. He brought his roommate, who is pretty cool, but he didn`t really talk to anyone. Sam tried talking to him, and even around just Kara and Dustin he didn`t speak. I`m trying to be understanding of this - he doesn`t know the people yet, so of course he might be quiet. From the start he`s a quiet, introverted guy with a quiet voice. This could just be who he is. I also shouldn`t assume this first time will be like the ones in future. I`m just worried that he was uncomfortable, upset, or bored last night. He strikes me as the person to grin and bear something that he doesn`t like so as not to upset the other individual. He wouldn`t even go inside to get a jacket when I was outside having a smoke. The guy was freezing, but he wouldn`t budge. I told him not to suffer for me. I also asked him a few times if he was okay, and I pleaded that he needed to be honest with me, but I got the sense he wasn`t having a good time... or that he felt awkward in the whole situation. In response he told me he loved me. I`m really interested in this guy`s view of love... because I certainly don`t love someone after a few weeks of dating. He strikes me as an extremely romantic guy. I just don`t want him to feel uncomfortable in anyway around me friends, and that he can be himself... even if his self is a quiet guy. 

I`m just puzzled why I seem so interested in his behaviour last night. I`m used to social boyfriends - it shows me that they don`t need to rely on me to talk to someone. I also feel obligated to always spend time with him in future events because he`s not talkative to other people - I`m scared of ignoring the guy, now. I`ve also been a quiet person at times in my life, so I should understand and accept his quiet behaviour, but part of it bothers me. If he`s shy, I want him to not be shy because there`s no reason for it around my friends. I want someone who can laugh at our jokes, raise topics to talk about, contribute with deeper thoughts when talking about philosophy, but I can`t seem to get that with him, even if we`re alone. He makes good conversation with me, but there`s little passion in it. No common interests that makes us go, "Wow, cool! You like that too?!". He doesn`t say much in a conversation. It`s become hard for me to find some special spark or connection between the two of us, which sucks because I really like the guy. I`m just finding I have to do a lot of work in finding things to say when we`re together because conversations don`t seem to flow into someone naturally. Conversations begin, but then they are stunted somehow and just drift away. To me this behaviour reflects discomfort, so I worry about him. Or maybe I`m afraid of what I don`t understand, because I`ve don`t usually meet and befriend quiet people... that was my job. Or perhaps I`m imposing my reasons for being quiet on him - being quiet because you`re feeling inadequate or self conscious about yourself and your thoughts is the only reason I can fully understand because that`s why I was quiet. 

I`m wondering what should I do, and more importantly what I really want from a person. I don`t want to break his heart. I told him I was worried last night because he was quiet. He told me sorry for being quiet. There`s no reason to be sorry - I just want to know the reason for it. 

Feb. 13th, 2011

okay

(no subject)

Yesterday was a rushed day. I planned to go downtown to find a top for my Joan Jett costume. I`m not sure if I`ve mentioned that my birthday will be a rock star themed party, but I am now. I found one top at Winners for $7.00, but I wasn`t sure if I would find anything at Sirens in Metrotown, so I bought it. Sam`s brother`s girlfriend, Krista, recommended Sirens to me. They were dropping me off at Metrotown anyway, but I was supposed to be downtown for 1:00 pm, so I figured I would go back to Metrotown if I couldn`t find anything downtown. I didn`t find anything downtown aside from that top at Winners, although it was still nice to walk along Granville. I went into Millennium. It`s in the same place where Cheap Thrills used to be. It reminded me of high school, when I would have spent $70 on a goth top. Now I`m better with my money... sort of.

In the end I found everything at Sirens in Metrotown. I actually bought a pair of black skinny jeans, which is weird because I told myself I would never buy them. I think they look awful on me. But they were $15 and good for my costume. I also bought two tops - one of them is a black vest. It`s perfect. Even though I wasted two hours downtown, it was still nice to be there. It satisfied by feelings of nostalgia.

Tomorrow I`m doing something for Valentine`s Day with Gabriel. Have I mentioned him? He`s a guy I`m dating. I met him online. We`ve had four dates so far, two of which he has cooked me dinner. The food he makes is delicious. He`s a professional chef. But his fantastic ability to cook intimidates me. I want to help and contribute, but I`m terrified of looking stupid and making something crappy. I was scared to cut potatoes, so as I was doing it, I was saying that I was doing such a bad job and apologizing for it. I am going to bring wine tomorrow and Pillsbury baked cookies (I`d make it from scratch but I`m too poor to buy ingredients and I`m worried that my cookies would suck), so I went with this route. I was thinking of bringing my mini fondue pot for chocolate and strawberries, but I`m already carrying a lot. Besides, I have no idea how to make the fondue.

He`s also coming to my birthday party.

So far we`ve smooched and held hands. He certainly likes public display of affection. He is a good kisser though - soft and slow. I wonder how tomorrow will go. I`m bringing a change of clothes, just in case.

I was thoroughly hungover this morning. Colleen`s party was great. Ben was also nice and drove me home on his way home. Sleeping in my own bed when I`m drunk is such a rarity for me, so I savour it all the time. I always have to go out and meet people because no one really comes here.

Feb. 5th, 2011

okay

Review

Okay, I`ll post.

I`ll do a quick review of life.

I`m certified as a teacher. I finished my practicum two months ago. I`m still awaiting a reference letter so I can actually complete application packages and hand them in. Then I will hand them in and hope I get somewhere. Work pissed me off yesterday by dumping all of spring break planning on me. It reminded me why I don`t like that job. I like the job, but the company is annoying. It`s inconsistent, terrible at communication, and things never go right.

I`m volunteering at Centennial to kiss up to the district. It`s not the same as being a student teacher. I don`t have the same status and I don`t feel like I`m treated the same. Only one former student said 'hi' to me. It meant a lot. I feel like I haven`t made a difference if I`m forgotten about. My dream in life is to make a difference in people's lives.

I went on Zoosk, a dating site. I just recently deleted my account. Never really met anyone. They were either too old, unattractive, boring, or someone I couldn`t relate to. I did meet one guy though. Last week I went out for a date. He`s cute, really nice, and painfully shy. He reminds me of Jason when I first met him, except this guy has a passion in life and actually made a career out of it (he`s a chef). He made me dinner this past Monday, and we`re meeting again on Monday. I like him, but I`m nervous about getting intimate because I don`t want him to get the impression that I`m looking for a long-term, committed relationship. I think that`s what he`s after. He`s one of those nice guys, you know? He`s not a douche. And he really likes me. It`s obvious. But I don`t want to dismiss him either.

Went to the Dominican Republic with Kara three weeks ago. We had an amazing time. Pictures are on Facebook.

Party.

Am poor at the moment due to owing money.

Still reminiscing and hoping.

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