The kids at Over the Rainbow are much more respectful than those group of kids. You may have to remind them of things, but in the end they`ll deliver. I prefer the program at Over the Rainbow too. I was lucky to keep my afternoon shifts at Regan because the girl who was supposed to replace me didn`t like how our program was run. Marta confided this to me when I called her about my schedule, and in turn I told her I wasn`t satisfied at this new place either. So I`m back to where I was at the beginning of the month. I may make less money, but I am much happier.
Gabe and I had a difficult weekend too. The end result was tears and a better understanding of our deepest worries. He says he had a great weekend despite this, and we`re fine as a couple, but I`m not fine. I`m not upset with him, but the thought of upsetting him or our relationship is just devastating to me. I know this may not make sense to people, but it`s a deep insecurity I have. I hate the thought of hurting anyone. I often think that all I ever do is hurt people after I have done so; no positive thoughts exist anymore and I completely focus on what I`ve done wrong and how horrible it is that they`re that mad at me. I think that if that`s what I end up doing despite my good intentions, why bother living at all? It`s these sort of thoughts that led me to get the referral. When I saw my doctor, I just described the thoughts and feelings I got because I wasn`t suffering from at the time. My weekend with Gabe triggered them. I`ve been very vague with my description of how I feel when I feel I`ve fucked up or failed, and that`s simply because I feel uncomfortable talking about it. I`ve suspected I might have depression; I have a family history of mental illness and emotional problems, and I have the severe feelings of guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, adhedonism, and thoughts of suicide. I suffer from sleep problems as well. What prevents me from thinking that it might be depression is that these symptoms last a few days before I can pull myself out of it rather than a few weeks or months. Everything is more impulsive. However, it`s been like this for over ten years and it keeps repeating itself. These feelings never fully go away, but just go into remission.
I`m still uncomfortable talking to people about this, but opening up to Gabe made me more confident to talk about this. Plus, I`m sick of people not taking me seriously. I may not have depression, but I don`t think I`m completely healthy either. Things may not seem concerning now, but these could be little signs and perhaps later in life things would be more severe. That was the case with my mom and her bipolar disorder. Gabe didn`t consider it silly that I wanted to get assessed; he was proud of me! He`s shown so much support for me with this. My respect for him just keeps growing, and I understand him much more now after confiding in me too.
I will write about any news I have on this. I see a psychiatrist this Friday.