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Nov. 15th, 2011

dig

Make my life interesting

So I don`t have to worry about what to do with the kids at the middle school I was working at. On Friday the teacher called me and said he would be back next week. So much for any sort of temporary contract. It sucks, but I`m happy I didn`t stay there. A temporary contract would be great, but I would rather have it at a closer school. It took me an hour and a half to get there. I had an awful day getting back home from there on Thursday last week. The bus I was meant to catch to get home in time to get my binder and leave for tutoring was late, meaning I would miss all of the needed connections. I called a taxi in hopes of catching up, but the taxi didn`t come either! I caught the later bus and called around, hoping someone could help me out and drive me somewhere. Luckily I got in touch with my mom, who happened to be in PoCo as well. I got off the bus, met up with my mom a few minutes later, and she played chauffeur for me for the majority of the evening. I couldn`t thank her enough.

That event convinced me to bring my tutoring binder with me to TOC jobs. After work I`ll go to my parents place, have dinner, and leave from there since the kid`s house is ten minutes away from their place.

Over the weekend I realized I needed to keep myself busy in the evenings. I tutor Thursday evenings and I meet up with friends on Wednesdays for wings and drinks, but that seems to be it. I`m finding myself bored and lonely on most evenings. So as of now I`m looking for fitness or swimming classes. I`m thinking of doing a yoga class on Fridays and do swimming on Mondays. It`ll keep me in shape and it`ll give me something to do. When I get my license back I`ll also spend time on Sundays with my dad learning how to drive. When I`m not called in for TOCing I`m especially bored. I mean I still have things I should be doing; today I dropped off my MSP forms (although I still have to go back and give post-dated cheques), and on my next unexpected day off I`ll go get my license again, but that stuff will run out. I`ve pretty much unpacked too. I guess I can think about Christmas shopping? Does anyone have any ideas?

Nov. 9th, 2011

cookies

What do?

TOCing has been good so far. I definitely prefer having my own classroom; I know what to plan for, I have my own expectations, I have my own goals, and I get to know students more than a TOC would. I always like knowing in advance what to do rather than just go with the flow, especially when it comes to work. Right now I`ve taken a job 'until further notice' at a middle school. The TOC who was covering for a teacher who had surgery had surgery herself, so I`m stuck with the class. I know it`s a good thing because after four consecutive days I get paid to scale with a full-time teacher wage, and after twenty one days it`s considered a temporary contract. This means more money and experience. I just want to know what to do with these kids. I have stuff for now, but I`m thinking long term. What do I do next week? I`m in student services, so most kids come in with work from their actual class and I modify what they`re doing to make it easier since these kids have learning disabilities. But it seems some kids have been given stuff from the first TOC on their own. Did she have a plan, or do I make up the rest? Some resources would be great because I`m mostly helping kids with math, and I`m not familiar with extra math resource cites. In the meantime, I`ve e-mailed the TOC and the teacher of the actual class, and I`ve been talking with the teachers at the school, who seem to be quite helpful.

The place is also far. The commute is balls.

Gabe and I are settling in nicely. We still don`t spend a lot of time together. I wake up to him coming into bed, we snuggle and exchange some words of our day and anything of importance, and then I see him in the morning when I get ready for work. Our schedules completely clash. The one evening he has free is the one evening I don`t have free. I asked him if he could get a different day off from work. Hopefully something will happen.

Other than that, I`m very happy to be living on my own. I really like my new place. Everything is close by, including most of my friends. I`m ten minutes away from Sam`s place instead of an hour. A bunch of us go to a pub every Wednesday for wings, and the place is four blocks away from my house! It`s nice to get out more on the weekdays because I live closer. I`m really enjoying myself.

Last night I went to see GWAR with Kara. Lucky for me I already had a fake blood stained shirt from Halloween, so I wore that. I got completely soaked in blood, which is okay because it was the best part! My bra is a bit stained though, haha. They were fantastic to see :) I`m so glad I went.

Oct. 18th, 2011

yay

Good news comes in threes

And I have two out of the three.

Gabe and I found a place to live in New West. We`ll move in at the end of the month. I`m counting down the days until I can see him every day! Him and I have conflicting schedules; we`re only able to see each other without work on Sundays, although that may even change. He`s probably working this Sunday, but at least work gave him a few days off during this week. Either way, in two weeks time him and I will be living together and it will be wonderful :)

The second good news is that, believe it or not, I got a position as a TOC for the Coquitlam school district! I suppose my hard work in the spring and Lucy`s help got the me the job. She told me she never gave up on me and still hounded the district to hire me, even after September. I gave up hope after August. Apparently they were short staffed and hired fourteen more, which included me :) I even have my first TOCing gig next week, which is good because I had to decline my first one because I`m still working this week at the daycare. I even have some people lined up to request me. I`m so excited! It`s still hard to believe this actually happened though...

Taking transit from New West will be difficult, especially if I get an emergency call in the morning. Because of this I`m going to work towards getting my N... this time. I always kept saying that and I always put off driving, but this is a big reason to get my license. I`m hoping to renew my L this week. Hopefully getting my license will be the third piece of good news. I`ll also apply to be a TOC in New West to make things a little easier and to get more work.

Unfortunately, not everyone in my life has good news. Kara and Dustin broke up. All I`m going to say is that it was messy and I`ve lost respect for Dustin.

I think I was re-accepted into SFU because I got an e-mail notifying me of my enrollment. I was planning on getting a minor in learning disabilities to help me get hired... but I already got hired. I`ll still go through with it. It`s beneficial for me to learn about these students, and it`ll look good too. I`ll be attending part-time in the spring.

Sep. 28th, 2011

glass

circles

So I quit my job at the new out of school care and went back to Regan. Among other things, the travel time was just too much. My experience there made me appreciate what I have at Over the Rainbow. There was little structure at this other place and no investment to attain any. They had daily activities, but it seemed like they only took fifteen minutes for them. Aside from an optional snack time, all the kids did was engage in free play. Free play is important, but two and a half hours of it is too much. The kids began getting restless as well, which was very problematic because quite a few kids there had behavioural issues. I have never met such disrespectful and defiant kids. Yesterday some five year old angrily called his brother a shithead because he wouldn`t give him a toy. I had a kid challenge me by looking me in the eye saying 'no' to me after I asked him to put a stick down that he was swinging on our way back to school. On Friday, after the staff had cleaned up way too early, the kids had an hour and fifteen minutes to entertain themselves. When kids aren`t stimulated, they become restless and find anything to entertain themselves. In this case, they used the packed up tables and shelving units as a playground. We had to spend twenty minutes coaxing the potty mouth kid out. He only left when one staff member took his own toy from him and threatened to throw it in the garbage. Had the staff not cleaned up as early, engaged in stimulating games for the kids (like tag) rather than mop the gym floor so the kids couldn`t run, and/or had board games out for the kids to play with, this wouldn`t have happened. A lot of kids there would scream, fight, swear, hit, and were resistant to any sort of problem solving. There were other things that I didn`t agree with at this place too, but the prevailing problem was the lack of investment in entertaining the kids. At times all the staff just sat at the teacher table and talked. One lady even went out for cigarette breaks. I wanted to do something, and I tried my best with these kids, but I can't do it all myself. The best way to be effective with kids is to be consistent.

The kids at Over the Rainbow are much more respectful than those group of kids. You may have to remind them of things, but in the end they`ll deliver. I prefer the program at Over the Rainbow too. I was lucky to keep my afternoon shifts at Regan because the girl who was supposed to replace me didn`t like how our program was run. Marta confided this to me when I called her about my schedule, and in turn I told her I wasn`t satisfied at this new place either. So I`m back to where I was at the beginning of the month. I may make less money, but I am much happier.

DepressionCollapse )

Sep. 19th, 2011

dig

Events be turning.

So in two weeks time I`m giving up working afternoon shifts at Regan. This is because I actually got a job offer from another out of school place, even though the interview was a month ago. I didn`t think I got the job because I never heard back from them. They`re offering me 2-6 shifts Monday to Friday, which beats the hours I`m getting at Regan. They pay is $2 cheaper, but I calculated the difference in monthly income and it`s $300 more if I take this new job. I`ll still work in the mornings at Over the Rainbow and help out on pro days if I can; I don`t want to burn my bridges entirely, but this makes me feel more secure about my income and my contributions to living with Gabe. For the next two weeks I`ll just work at the new place on Tuesdays and Fridays, but at the start of October, I`ll be making a lot more money.

At the same time, I may ended paying a lot of money to the US government. Because of their economic crisis, they`re calling in any potential debts. I knew my dad began to be hounded by the IRS about a month ago for not filing his taxes, even though he`s lived in Canada for over 30 years. It`s because he never gave up his American citizenship, so I suppose he`s still subject to filing taxes, even if he`s lived abroad for 30 years and has citizenship for another country. Apparently I`m subject to these demands too, as my American citizenship is still active. This means that both my brother and I have to file our taxes for the IRS. I had no idea I was supposed to do this, let alone that my citizenship was still active. We`ll file them and then renounce our citizenship, which could take awhile; apparently there`s a two year waiting list. In the meantime, my mom suggests I avoid going to the States in case the IRS decides to follow up on me in person :/ This is so frustrating and unfair. I have no ties to the States and I consider myself Canadian. The only perk about having duel citizenship is that I can vote in American elections, but if I have to file taxes for two countries, then fuck that.

I also saw my doctor about getting assessed and she made a referral. My appointment to talk to a psychiatrist is for next week.

Sep. 13th, 2011

wub woo

<3

My job search has come to an end, I suppose. I got more hours at my current job and I`m still tutoring, so Gabe and I have begun to look for a place. There`s no rush for us. He would prefer if we move in at the end of October, which does seem like a good idea. I can save up a bit and move into a new place with money in my bank account, especially because I won`t be making that much. I`m just impatient about moving in together. I`ve spent a lot of time with him in the past few weeks, and as of now, any day without him doesn`t seem right. Him and I have really bonded in these past few weeks.

Gabe`s graveyard shifts have ended and he`s back to working during the day. Of course, this also means he`s called to work on his days off again. He always accepts because he wants to gain more experience and money for his trip. I`ve come to realize that his career means a lot to him, and he has long term goals he`s working towards. It`s part of the Gabe package, and I`m coming to terms with this. I want him as a boyfriend. I`d rather be with a hard working Gabe that doesn`t always have time for me than no Gabe at all. He`s doing it for a good cause, and I want to respect his wishes and goals. I want to support him with his future ambitions. He knows I`m important and he makes time for me when he can, which I do appreciate. He supports me too. When I said that I was thinking of moving to northern BC if I didn`t get a teaching job here, he said he would go with me. I was so touched when he said that.

I`ve never loved anyone like this before. I know him and I have had some rough patches, but in the end I always feel confident about us. Unlike previous boyfriends, I can`t really think of any sort of large issue that would tear us apart. Any sort of fights we have had were over small, petty things. Gabe shows me so much love and respect. I`m very lucky to have this man.

Sep. 6th, 2011

lol

the epic camping trip

These past two weeks have proven to be very busy for me. Aside from interviews, tutoring and looking after various things, I scarcely had time to post here or on Facebook. Well, at least with Facebook I can post updates via telephone. Then I had an awesome, awesome camping trip this past week, where my priority was to relax, have fun and to forget about everything back home.

The camping was amazing. Eight people showed up, so it turned out to be a quite a party. I wasn`t drunk all of them time, but until Sunday morning I was pretty much on something at all times. The dance was great, the crazy things we did (like jumping into the ocean at 3 am with phosphorescence surrounding the water) was great, exploring was great, spending time with Gabe was great, dancing with Gabe was great (especially because I`ve never danced with a boyfriend before) and all the other company was great. It was the best camping trip I`ve ever been on, despite getting lost on the way there and back. I also seemed to have picked something up, as my throat is scratchy and I`m a bit stuffed up. Oh well. I`m still very satisfied with the trip.

Gabe and I seemed to have grown closer to each other during this camping trip. I`m very happy about this.

I still haven`t found a job... although earlier today I was offered more hours from my current job. Apparently I`ll hear more about it tomorrow morning. This could mean the end of my job search, although I`m wondering how long these new hours will last. Someone in another location is going to school and I`ll be replacing them, sort of, but when they`re done, what am I going to do? I followed up with another out of school care, although they haven`t made any decisions yet. And I declined a job offer today based on a few things: they didn`t initially tell me anything about the job; I was offered it without an interview, which seems sketchy; I would teach reading and writing to elementary school students, which I`ve never done; prep time would be on my own time and would be unpaid; I wasn`t sure how much I would be paid; and they wanted me to do a trial hour of teaching that day. The place just didn`t seem to have it together. So hopefully things work out tomorrow because I really need some work. I really want to move in with Gabe too.

Gabe`s back to working during the day, which I`m happy about. The graveyard shifts were just too much. He`ll be working Monday to Thursday from noon to ten at night. This isn`t so bad. Besides, he gets weekends off, so I`ll have Gabe time when I`m off too :)

Aug. 17th, 2011

castling

(no subject)

Today I declined an interview for an out-of-school care position on Granville Island. While I am still looking for work, the place would be too far. If I were to get a second job at an out-of-school care it would be alongside my job at my current out-of-school care in Coquitlam. Traveling between the two places would be too difficult. If anything, this helped me figure out my plans even further. I would take a teaching job anywhere because if I got that job it would be full-time, so I could easily move to the area of where I work.

I`ve gotten in contact with Lucy, which good because she`s great at giving advice when it comes to finding work within school districts. She`s also great at giving me support, which is something I need. My mom hit the nail on the head when she said difficulties when finding work acts as a statement on your worth. These struggles are very discouraging and I`m finding it difficult not to take things personally. Compounded on how I felt after my argument with Gabe (or with significant others in general), it has me feeling quite low about myself. Things are resolved between Gabe and I right now, however, I take arguments pretty bad. I don`t really want to go into this because it would be a very long story, but know that these negative feelings I get after arguments aren`t restricted to Gabe. It`s not even restricted to intimate relationships either, but now that drama days of high school have passed, I don`t get these low feelings of self in any sort of conflict with friends anymore. Either way, my last argument with Gabe gave me something to really think about. I don`t want to go into too much detail about it - I don`t want to reveal too much about myself, after all - but I will be making a trip to my doctor.

The problem with getting into the habit of not expecting things to always work out is that it prevents me from getting excited about things. I like looking forward to things. It makes the act of whatever I wanted to happen feel all the more awesome when it does happen. I feel more pessimistic at the thought of not expecting things to happen. At the same time, I can take things not working out well poorly because of the built up excitement I gave myself, and I hated the feeling of coping or dealing with it, so I suppose this new attitude is for the better.

Kara booked tickets to see Ladytron in September. That is something I can`t help but be excited about.

Aug. 12th, 2011

okay

i can see the hornets trapped inside of you

Unfortunately, the talk with Gabe did not go well. He didn`t seem to favour my constant sleep pattern idea (hey, it was just a suggestion), nor with my choice of not inviting him to things as often if no resolution is formed. He simply took it as me not wanting to see him. Anyone else have any ideas of what to do? Because at this moment I don`t think I have any other choices than to do that if this isn`t fixed. I thought our phone call would be the end of the talk, but no. He was hurt or pissy enough to send me a text explaining that since he is sick, he would not want to inconvenience me, so I probably won`t see him a lot this month. In response, I called bullshit: he just don`t want to see me, which he confirmed in a later text. This is fine because I`m in no mood to see him either. He told me he didn`t like how I was treating him like a child, but if the shoe fits... aside from sending intentional hurtful text messages to fuel such a fight, he was defensive, he called me names, and acted as if only his needs mattered. My intention was to point out an issue that affected both us negatively in hopes to find a solution; it was not to start a fight, nor was it to hurt him. It was meant to help our relationship. So much for that.

That said, Hornets.

So with a weekend potentially being Gabe-free, I intend on going to the beach tomorrow, all by my little self. I`m excited! I purchased a new Stephen King book too, which I will enjoy while sun bathing on the beach.

Today I received another wonderful compliment from the tutoring organization I work for. It`s so rare to find a company that praises you; most of the time they criticize you, especially for minute things. I`m very pleased. It`s a huge booster for my work ethic and my belief in my capabilities.

Aug. 11th, 2011

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

counting on someone to be unreliable

Today and Gabe and I were supposed to go to my staff barbecue. However, he sent me a text saying he was sick and that he would not go. It`s fine, I guess, but I spent $20 yesterday on baking goods for him to make something for the barbecue. He has the dessert, and he offered to come out here and bring it to me, but he then changed his mind. It would have been complicated to arrange, anyway. He elaborated on how he felt; he feels nauseous, which he attributes to a lack of sleep. I`m disappointed that he wouldn`t show up because I was looking forward to seeing him, but the more I thought about it, the more I came to think about what`s stopping him from getting enough sleep. For one thing, he doesn`t allow himself to have a consistent sleep schedule like most people. As a result of this, he`s tired all the time, he`s now sick, and he can never commit to what he plans with me. I want him to get enough sleep, but he needs to ensure that for himself. Clearly his choice to sleep on an inconsistent schedule is detrimental to his health and to my patience. His flaky behaviour has become very frustrating to bear, and today it became more than just me going to the barbecue by myself. Now I have to find the time to go buy more food with the little money I have instead of using that time to work on my school district applications. It`s come to the point where I don`t have any faith that we`ll see each other and follow through with what we planned anymore. I don`t want to spend my time and effort arranging for things to do when they always fall through because he doesn`t allow himself to have enough sleep. Had he stuck to a sleep schedule and told me about, I would make plans for the time I knew he would be awake and rested. He`s become very unreliable, and this is a trait I do not find attractive.

At some point either tonight or tomorrow I will mention this to him. I want him to find some sort of solution to this because it`s become quite a problem for both of us. I just need to calm down. If I were to talk to him now, I know things wouldn`t go well. I`m quite frustrated, at the moment. I`m tempted to go ahead and make other plans for the weekend without him, but that would suck too because I like seeing Gabe.

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